Ocean Acidification: A serious case of cognitive dissonance for Business Fish

Having just returned from his daily dose of lunchtime cocaine – sure to keep him going for the rest of a hard day of exploiting workers for profit - Business Fish slid open his fancy laptop and scrolled down his Fishbook timeline.

“Eugh!” Business Fish exclaimed. “Darn those lefty-liberals... always polluting my timeline with Guardian articles!”

Despite his initial expression of disdain towards his casual acquaintances' and distant family members' public displays of social liberalism, Business Fish made the peculiar decision to follow one of the links into the Mecca of liberal idiocy: www.theguardian.com/uk/commentisfree.

This, however, was no normal lefty-liberal Guardian comment piece written by the likes of Giles Fraser, Owen Jones, or (Poseiden forbid) Polly Toynbee... No. It was by George Monbiot. Sure, Monbiot is a regular contributor to the Guardian, and as lefty-liberal as the rest. But this was a piece on something close to Business Fish's giant mutant heart; it was about the oceans.

Business Fish's ancestors came from the oceans and had been there himself a few times, but only as a young child-fingerling, before his merciless desire to pursue individual wealth accumulation at all costs eliminated all prospect of a social life.

Specifically, the article was about ocean acidification, which (put simply  for those of you who aren't ecology nerds) is the increase of oceans' acidity due to increases in carbon dioxide (CO2) in the Earth's atmosphere, a third of which dissolves into oceans.

This increased ocean acidity has been devastating for a plethora of ocean species. Business Fish can't contain himself. Biodiversity radically diminished. Species extinct. Eco-systems collapsing. His ancestors suffering. He would do anything to end all the pain!

But then he read on. Monbiot argued with his usually compelling style, that anthropogenic carbon emissions were the fault of capitalist corporations which made a profit out of burning fossil fuels. Business Fish was distraught. He knew that the planet was on the verge of ecological crisis and that this included an existential threat to both his human and fishy ancestral species. He also knew, in his heart of giant mutant hearts, that if the global ecological crisis were to be averted, neoliberal capitalism had to be abandoned instantly.

This necessitation of economic revolution was in conflict with his aforementioned “merciless desire to pursue individual wealth accumulation”. Back and forth, he toyed with his conflicting desires for environmental justice, and profit.

After some time, Business Fish realised the truth. It is a liberal conspiracy. It has to be! Monbiot is a liar who wants nothing more than to implement his own socialist agenda. Its the only explanation!

Now shaking with rage, Business Fish bellowed so loud he could be heard throughout all the oceans of the Northern Hemisphere, and the City of London: “DAMN YOU LIBERALLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!”

By Chris Saltmarsh