Sometimes in a sea
Of capital and greed, I
long for the ocean.
The Marvellous Adventures of Business Fish
Friday, 24 April 2015
Haiku of the day #3
Thursday, 23 April 2015
Wednesday, 22 April 2015
Business Fish Haiku of the Day #1
Swimming in the sea,
Striking capitalist deals,
He is Business Fish!
Sunday, 19 April 2015
A Discourse on the Nature of Life, Death, and Being: a Business Fish Fanfiction
It was just
another day in the life of Business Fish, the cold-blooded aquatic
vertebrate with the body of a hunk.1
The heels of his shoes clicked satisfyingly on the pavement as he
strolled through the city, enjoying breathing the polluted, stagnant
air through his gills. He sighed deeply, closing his eyes briefly in
order to completely appreciate the extent of the damage those who
were fully human (or, as he liked to refer to them in his head,
LESSER MORTALS) had wreaked on this world .
Suddenly, he felt
a vibration in his pocket. He was startled for a moment, then
remembered that yesterday, his LESSER MORTAL secretary Janice
had given him an item called a ‘mobile phone’, promising it to be
the easiest way to contact him in case of an emergency.
“WhAt Do yOu
mEAn, eMeRGEncY? wHY woULd THeRe bE an eMErGeNCy?” he had
bubbled at her. She had smiled her grotesque LESSER MORTAL
smile – those nasty teeth things always freaked him out – and
said just in case.
Now, he pulled out
the phone and looked at it. The screen was all lit up, and the word
JANICE was there, along with a green button and a red button. Which
to pick, which to pick? He decided that Janice would prefer red, and
pressed it tentatively with his salmon-pink finger. Success! The
vibrating stopped. Business fish smiled contentedly and put the phone
back in his pocket, pleased to have gained an understanding of this
new technology.
“tAKe THaT,
jANIce!” he mumbled to himself. She’d wanted to show him how to
use it yesterday, but she was merely a LESSER MORTAL, and as
such was inferior to him in all ways. On what basis did she presume
to be able to teach him anything?
As he reached a
street intersection, he heard a strange noise. It was the sound of
shouting, mixed with incoherent bubbling and sirens. Business Fish
paused and put his head around the corner.
What he saw made
his jaw drop.
A little way down
the street, lying on the ground surrounded by LESSER MORTALS
moving around frantically, was another like him! Business Fish
had never seen another being like him, having been brought up in an
orphanage and never knowing his parents, and it filled him with
something he had only heard described before – happiness.
After a couple of
paralysed seconds, though, he realised that there was something wrong
– that was why his kin, his blood and soul, his life mate, was
lying on the ground. There was blood, seeping cherry-coloured across
the cobbles. As he watched, the LESSER MORTALS on the scene
ceased their frenzied action, heaved a collective sigh, and began to
pack up the neon-coloured materials around them. They then put
Business Fish’s kin on a stretcher, loaded it into a nearby
ambulance, and drove away.
Business Fish sat
down.
Had he just
witnessed the death of the only other being like him he had ever
seen?
At that moment,
for the first time in his life, Business Fish wished he was a LESSER
MORTAL, so that he could release this tightness in his chest. He
had seen some of them leak water from their eyes, and it seemed to
provide great comfort in times like these. If only, if only.
The vibrating in
his pocket started up again and this time, Business Fish chose the
green button, just to see what would happen.
“Business Fish!
I’m so sorry to interrupt your lunch break, sir, but there’s been
an emergency at the office! Please come back immediately.” Janice’s
voice emerging from the phone startled him briefly, but by the time
it stopped and the screen went dark again, Business Fish had
recovered.
“OkaY Then.
I’lL jUST PIck uP sOMe coCAIne On mY WAy bACK.” Business Fish
decided, then picked himself up off the ground and began to walk back
the way he had come.
After all, his
business workers wouldn’t exploit themselves, and he didn’t think
he’d checked his Fishbook timeline in a while…
1.
Of course, he covered his ultra-masculine, ultra-hot body up with a
well-fitted suit, because it just wouldn’t be fair to the rest of
the males in the world if he didn’t – no female would ever even
look at them again!
By Pema l'Anson
Ocean Acidification: A serious case of cognitive dissonance for Business Fish
Having just returned from his
daily dose of lunchtime cocaine – sure to keep him going for the rest of a hard
day of exploiting workers for profit - Business Fish slid open his fancy laptop
and scrolled down his Fishbook timeline.
“Eugh!” Business Fish exclaimed.
“Darn those lefty-liberals... always polluting my timeline with Guardian
articles!”
Despite his initial expression of
disdain towards his casual acquaintances' and distant family members' public
displays of social liberalism, Business Fish made the peculiar decision to
follow one of the links into the Mecca of liberal idiocy: www.theguardian.com/uk/commentisfree.
This, however, was no normal
lefty-liberal Guardian comment piece written by the likes of Giles Fraser, Owen
Jones, or (Poseiden forbid) Polly Toynbee... No. It was by George Monbiot.
Sure, Monbiot is a regular contributor to the Guardian, and as lefty-liberal as
the rest. But this was a piece on something close to Business Fish's giant
mutant heart; it was about the oceans.
Business Fish's ancestors came
from the oceans and had been there himself a few times, but only as a young
child-fingerling, before his merciless desire to pursue individual wealth accumulation
at all costs eliminated all prospect of a social life.
Specifically, the article was
about ocean acidification, which (put simply
for those of you who aren't ecology nerds) is the increase of oceans'
acidity due to increases in carbon dioxide (CO2) in the Earth's atmosphere, a
third of which dissolves into oceans.
This increased ocean acidity has
been devastating for a plethora of ocean species. Business Fish can't contain
himself. Biodiversity radically diminished. Species extinct. Eco-systems
collapsing. His ancestors suffering. He would do anything to end all the pain!
But then he read on. Monbiot
argued with his usually compelling style, that anthropogenic carbon emissions
were the fault of capitalist corporations which made a profit out of burning
fossil fuels. Business Fish was distraught. He knew that the planet was on the
verge of ecological crisis and that this included an existential threat to both
his human and fishy ancestral species. He also knew, in his heart of giant
mutant hearts, that if the global ecological crisis were to be averted,
neoliberal capitalism had to be abandoned instantly.
This necessitation of economic
revolution was in conflict with his aforementioned “merciless desire to pursue
individual wealth accumulation”. Back and forth, he toyed with his conflicting
desires for environmental justice, and profit.
After some time, Business Fish
realised the truth. It is a liberal conspiracy. It has to be! Monbiot is a liar
who wants nothing more than to implement his own socialist agenda. Its the only
explanation!
Now shaking with rage, Business
Fish bellowed so loud he could be heard throughout all the oceans of the
Northern Hemisphere, and the City of London: “DAMN YOU
LIBERALLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!”
By Chris Saltmarsh
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